Monday, September 28, 2015

When I'm Gone (2013-07-18)

When I'm gone
I want you to
remember me as happy.
I want your only image of me to be smiling. I want all the good times and the great times to be
repeating in your head
as opposed to the tears and sadness.
Please keep all those simple, satisfying times in mind.

Remember me as the one who was there for you,
and listened to you, and craved to hear you.
I didn't bail on you like others might have and I didn't want to.
Listen to my voice tell you how amazing you really are.
I don't want my words "I'm sorry" to be what's
tattooed on your skull as often as I said it. Think about the letters I wrote you where I
poured my soul out to you and told you
I was blessed by God himself to have met someone
as extraordinary as you.

Remember me as the kooky kid
who made faces and acted strange so comfortably around you.
I was quite the character wasn't I?
Forget that awkward body language debating on whether not I should hug you,
or speak to you for that matter.

Remember me as real.
As someone who made mistakes
and who was human.
Someone who had real thoughts, real desires, real morals, real vulnerability...
a real heart.

Remember me as gentle.
The caring person I was brought up to be.
I was sweet-spoken and soft.
I would hug you sometimes just to remind you that there is someone on this earth who will always be there to hug you
and do it gladly.
And both of my shoulders will always be yours to cry on.

Remember me as a human that was hurting.
That had lost all I have ever wanted or could have ever asked for.
Keeping my eyes closed to dream of you made me a bit blind...
and I think you would agree.

Remember me as the adventurous type
you seldomly saw me as.
The type to take risks,
the girl who would do anything with you.
The type to look a fool if it meant you never leaving my side
like you pinky promised.

Remember me as the best possible,
the best person I showed you.
The good person.
The real me that I showed you
and only you.

Remember me as the beautiful girl
you made me believe I am.
Not the ugly girl trying to claw her way out.

And most of all,
instead of the girl who hurt you,
remember me as the girl who loved -
mostly you.

My Other Half

I made a new friend today. When I looked in her eyes I could tell she was looking in mine and somehow I knew she saw me. All of me. It’s impossible to explain. Every struggle I’ve faced, she seemed to relate to. My biggest weaknesses, the things that made me cry made her cry too; I felt her tears like they were my own and she felt mine. She didn’t try and pretend that she was always strong, I could see it. She was weak sometimes and she accepted that. They say that no one is perfect and I know that neither of us is. I told her all that I dreamed about and my goals and my passions. I wanted to eat, write and travel. I wanted to love. Her aspirations were mutual. When I poured out my feelings, she held on tightly to every word. She was the one I went to when my parents split up. I’ve never desired anyone’s shoulder more. The first time I fell in love, she saw my sheer vulnerability. When I smiled at her and told her about the boy I gave my heart to, she was so happy she got to be the one to listen to my blushing rants. When I got my heart broken, she gladly comforted me without hesitation. Sometimes we didn’t even need to talk. We could just look at each other and connect. The tears and smiles said it all. We read each other’s mind. We were connected. Never did she make my struggles feel unimportant or try to tell me I was wrong for saying or doing what I did. She made me feel like I mattered and I trusted her. She was the only one I could trust. No one had ever understood me or related to me more. I would explain to her how I felt so alone and she promised she would never leave my side… I hope she meant that. Because of her, I’ve never felt more cherished. She is truly the best friend I’ve ever had! I wanted to hold her to show her my appreciation. To show how incredibly grateful I am to have her in my life. I wanted to show her that I needed her. I knew that if I tried to hug her, she would gladly accept it. And when I reached out my hand to pull my best friend closer and embrace her, my hand left smudge marks on the mirror.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Breathe

inhale
exhale
breathe
inhale
my heart pounds
and adrenaline rushes
my nerves take over
and I'm drowning in fear
I'm scared of you
actually...
I'm terrified
because you and only you
have my heart's strings
wrapped around your fingers
exhale
breathe
I tell myself
"you'll be fine"
even if I'm far from believing it
inhale
you flash that smile
and for a second
I forgot how contagious it is

bliss

right now is bliss
soft touch, warm kiss
tomorrow will be Hell
the devil inside us both
but the sweetest
yesterday, bittersweet,
being feeling,
not worrying about
time
ticking away,
living in the moment,
happiest I'll ever be
comfort, fear, content, anger,
confusion
right now
bliss

Posession

I look in the mirror
and don't like what I see.
Who is this girl?
This girl isn't me.

I've made mistakes.
With myself, it's a war.
I've broken many bones
and I'll break many more.

I'm messing things up,
and I don't know how.
I don't think before I act
but I have to change that now.

I wish I could see
and get back to sane.
But you know what they say -
with every cloud, there comes rain.

I'm tripping and stumbling
over my own two feet.
Where is the old me?
It's her I want to meet.

This stranger possessed me
and took over my soul.
I need to find me
and get back to my whole.

Tomatoes

Tomatoes
Red,
Plump

Atop
The
Counter

Beads
Dripping
Down

P.S.

He held me like he used to
So tight like before
He held me like he would
Never let go...
     and then he let go

Toxic

Wishes don't come true
Love doesn't exist
Dreams are make believe
And fantasies are missed

Now your kisses make me sick
Hugs with no meaning
I die just a little
Every time we're meeting

Holding your hand
Makes me cold
If it wasn't for hopeless hope
My soul would be sold

Drag me to Hell
To wherever you're standing
You're self destructive
Not one safe landing

If love is paranoia
Anger or fear
Then I love you
More than anything my dear

Thursday, March 5, 2015

To Winter

Hello good friend!
You were the first one I met in this world
and the greatest companion.
You may have made me shiver
but oh my,
it was worth it when I felt warm at the sight
of different shades of
whites, grays, and faded blues.
When I saw the fallen trees
sprinkled with ice.
I love you, Winter,
for showing me beauty in simplicity,
perfection in ease,
loveliness in purity.

Monday, March 2, 2015

A Secret Affair

I met someone so perfect for me.
So sweet, and funny, and smart.
He knew so much about the universe,
and he quickly attracted my heart.

The first meetings were innocent,
two new people befriending.
Each day we spent together
had an unfortunate ending.
 
So much changed when I learned
he was not alone,
but I still got excited
to see his name appear in my phone.
 
We were swimming somewhere dangerous,
we knew that it was bad.
We could not quite stop
embracing the opportunities we had.
 
Then he brought me somewhere beautiful - 
the greatest view.
Melting in closeness,
I was afraid of what we would do.
 
We were drowning in temptation,
and it just happened so quickly.
I will never forget the moment
when I shared with him completely.

It took some convincing,
a short little fight.
I was going back and forth - 
YOLO... right?
 
But then everything went wrong.
Time and space were bending.
Our newly formed friendship
had an unfortunate ending.
 
His feelings changed
just like a boy.
It is always the players
and I am just the toy.

My decisions really shook me.
I felt as if I was spiraling down a black hole.
This feeling reminded me
of how I have never felt whole.

My mistakes linger in the stars.
I look up and lose my breath.
The time short lived with him
I should have known would end in death.

Everywhere I go
he is in everything I see,
not because of love
but because he is haunting me.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Thy Love

Thou hast no emotion
when thou turn away
from thine crying eyes.
Staring at thee
as each footstep
escapes out thy door.
Not the first,
nor last time
thou shalt walk out on thee;
for thou will be back
to make love to thy heart.

Clichés For Days

about ready to abandon ship
I'm all dressed up and nowhere to go
they say I'm as beautiful as the day is long
but I'm as insane as the idea of sanity
don't beat around the bush
you don't have to bend over backwards just to please me
I'm not the best thing since sliced bread
I'm just a normal kid
I've had the time of my life
time and time again
I've been hurt but
all's fair in love and war
time heals all wounds
like Neosporin and a band aid
you say I'm beautiful
but I say
tread lightly
in the nick of time you'll see
I'm not as beautiful as you make me to be

My (Mis)fortune


I have a story
so hard for me to tell,
about the time I could have lost everything,
but even worse, myself.
I'm not proud of this time
but I’ve learned from my mistake.
I now sleep happy
And smile when I wake.

My day started out great
but eventually fell.
That was the day
I walked into Hell.
My life changed so quickly
with one tiny little drug.
However, it seemed harmless
but its smile, so smug.
I ran into this guy,
and he told me to sit.
He gave me a joint,
and I took a few hits.
It suddenly controlled me
and told me what to do.
I knew my life would change when
It screamed, “I’ll destroy you!”
It took over my life,
but worse, I let it.
I lost my sanity
after that first hit.
I wanted to quit
and let my body heal,
but I went back to see him
and he sold me a deal.
It definitely got worse -
dirty needles and all.
But he came back again;
Who else could I call?
On the way to the nurse,
the bright lights were blinding.
I passed out at the wheel
and my car was still winding.
Eight people got hurt
but not my baby in the back.
If I kept this going,
I could never get him back.
So I cleaned myself up.
It really wasn’t easy.
I'm all sober now,
and been keeping busy.
I did this for me,
and I'm glad I succeeded.
I stepped up and
got the help that I needed.
I was once screwed up
but I'm all better now.
What fortune did this
and please tell me how.
This was my doing.
I set myself free.
And now I realize…
my fortune is me.

My Childhood Came From A Garage Sale

My childhood
came from a garage sale –
cheap memories
for a dollar.
A little doll with
a little pink dress,
a baby with a baby
with a drawn on face
blond hair
and flimsy appendages
and bandages.
This was a perfect doll for a little girl,
like two peas in a pod
two babies in a car seat,
two toddlers in a plane.

Present day,
as inevitable age crept up,
my best friend and I still hand in hand.
Best friends till the end –
Through all the bad grades
and bad boys
breakups and separations,
she never left my side.
Even when her face faded,
And her limbs went loose,
And her cotton stuffing pushed out of her skin,
she never lost that comforting smell of
purity and innocence
that made me appreciate our good times.
She was always there to hear me speak
absorb my tears,
soothe my pains,
and chase away my bad dreams.
My best friend.
My childhood
from a garage sale.
My sweetest memories
for a dollar.

My Beautiful Butterfly

There's purple
There's blue
There's yellow
And red too
 
There's black
There's white
There's green
So bright
 
Many shapes
Different size
This little creature
Is oh so wise
 
This beautiful angel
Flies with such grace
When I was young
This was the one I used to chase
 
No matter how I'd sigh
No matter how I'd weep
I prayed that butterfly
Was mine to keep