missing

the worst part about it is

I fell in love with you that night 

I fell in love with someone that didn’t want me anymore

— that couldn’t love me back

I had to watch you walk away the next morning 

with no hesitation 

you didn’t look back once

I had to stand there and watch

heart cracking

as you walked out of my life

100% 50% 10%

I wanted you all of you

and I let myself be naked with you

in every sense of the word 

I’ve never let my guard down for someone like that

I didn’t know I could love someone like that

and I know it sounds cheesy

when you try to explain your feelings for someone

but you wanna know how I know I loved you?

it’s because it feels like a piece of me is missing 

I search for you in everyone I’m with

and I can’t find you

I told you I would love you as best as I could

I don’t think you were prepared for that

the only difference between you and me is that

everything I told you

I was ready to follow through

and I wish I could’ve had the chance

to show up for you in the way than I intended 

until then your DNA is intertwined with mine

100% 50% 10% 

I will always have a part of you 

Linger

I want to be friends with you

I just can’t right now 

because I see your features in everyone I meet 

but no one’s lips seem to curl quite like yours do

I miss that

I miss you

waiting...

I don’t know if I loved you more
I think I just loved you deeper
I felt you in my bones
And I was gutted when you left 

You hoped it didn’t scare me 

how much you liked me

How much you wanted me

And honestly it did at first

I was worried I wasn’t ready 

Or able

To give you the love you said you wanted 

And I picked you over my fears

I know you don’t but

I remember our talks of the future

I didn’t close my eyes and see you

I saw us

It hurts me to see how we were

Living in different realities

Was I a product of your impulsivity 

A taste of your desires

Our glasses were different

Rose colored vs black and white

I saw resilience

You saw an ending

I am fading from your memory

Just as quickly as we built our foundation

And I am reliving moments 

As they were yesterday

But you say you feel safe with me

Hold on to that feeling

Let me comfort, challenge, celebrate you

I can see your heart

I made you promises 

I intend to keep 

I accept this emptiness over

Never seeing your light

For now I must figure out

How to rebuild from heart break

While you still hold

Everything I had inside me to give 

We could fall apart 

Just as easily as we could blossom

I’m ready to work

I’m just waiting for you 

WANT vs. NEED

I wanted you
And that future we talked about.
I wanted to grow with you
And learn about life with you.
I wanted to learn about every one of your flaws 
Just so I could show you I’d love you in spite of them. 
I wanted to open myself up to you,
Tell you things I was scared to tell you,
Leaving me so vulnerable.
But that vulnerability just made me fall more in love with you,
Because it didn’t scare you away in the process.
I wanted you to want me as deeply as I wanted you.
I wanted everything you said to me about how you felt about me to be true.
Maybe that was all too much to ask for 
From a boy that was so unsure of himself.
Maybe I’ll never know why you left,
Why you didn’t fight for someone you saw a future with.
You told me you hoped it didn’t scare me how much you liked me,
You told me you were falling for me too,
You reassured me and made me feel safe.
I wasn’t prepared for this.
That future was ripped away from me.
I’m healing by myself,
Learning and growing by myself,
Trying to love myself in spite of my own flaws,
And coping with intense anxiety.
I wanted you.
But maybe this is what I needed.

Ex

 “She holds grudges”

“She doesn’t let things go” 

Yea, maybe he’s right.

Watching all the trust I had get ripped away in a second really did a number on me.

He’s right.

Watching someone mishandle everything I had the energy to give is definitely difficult to forget.

I mean, it took me about four years to try to let him go.

And I didn’t even think I could do it.

But I did it, right?

I’m stronger than he thought, right?

I deserve better than he gave me, right? 

I hope he knows that I will never let that go,

But I can let him go.

I hope one day he realizes how much he destroyed me,

How much therapy I’ve had to do,

How it still affects me.

I deserve better, right?

Goodbye

 You told me to trust you,

and I did.

Now it’s ending with me

hurt and confused.

Just as quickly as you came, you were gone.

You told me you were falling for me.

You told me that I was worth it,

that I was enough.

You told me to believe you — 

and I believed you. 

If you are trying to protect yourself from the hurt,

then please help protect me too,

because it's killing me right now.

It's the most physical sadness I've ever felt

from my throat,

to my stomach,

to my fingertips —

I'm breaking.

I know I've lost you, 

But I don't want this to end with these feelings.

I know I won’t get you back.

I won’t be able to prove to you that the distance is something we can work through —

I know it can’t for you. 

But I still want a proper goodbye.

Something beautiful, meaningful.

I hope that you think that we deserve that too. 

I hope you don't think that this is where it deserves to end.

I hope you thought more of us.

But, if this is the goodbye that I get...

then I wish you nothing but all the good things that life has to offer.

I wish you wealth.

I wish you success.

I wish you genuine happiness.

The type of happiness you would give up everything for.

I wish you the type of love that you would do anything for.

And…

I’ll miss you

Late Night Thoughts Pt. 4

I think I finally understand the value I bring to relationships. 

If I have committed myself to you,

I will give you unwavering attention and devotion.

I will be loyal, kind and understanding.

I will listen to you, support you and build you up.

I will be physical and passionate.

I will give you everything I have.

I recognize that maybe not everyone I cross paths with is ready for that.

Maybe they are not ready to have something in their life that is that valuable.

Or maybe the things that I value, simply are not the things that they value.

I am learning to accept that. 

I just must never forget the worth of my contribution to this world.

Late Night Thoughts Pt. 3

 They told me I looked happy.
    I was.
They said they could see me glowing.
You know, that type of happiness just stands out on a person.

I wonder if they saw that glow disappear.
Or how long it will take them to notice that it's gone.

Late Night Thoughts Pt. 2

I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time trying to identify all the things that do not bring me happiness.

Learning to recognize things that hurt me that I’ve felt like I had sweep the under the rug for the sake of someone else’s feelings or happiness.

Things that I never want to feel again.

It took me a long time to be able to tell myself I deserve to feel things better than I have felt.

That I deserve more.

It’s still hard to remind myself of that and truly believe it.

So, yes, I obviously find plenty of moments of happiness.

But I also imagine a life where more of that exists for myself.

I know that life exists because I’ve told myself I deserve that better and happier and more fulfilling life.

I’ve told myself that that life exists, that that feeling exists.

I think part of what makes me excited about more with you and about a future with you is because you make me happy too.

You have already shown me that the things I’ve tried to convince myself I deserve as far as a partner and a relationship are actually possible.

You are showing me that a man can be patient, respect boundaries, give attention and actually express how he is feeling.

You are beautiful. 

You are showing me that the life I want is out there somewhere.

You give me hope -

Not just that I could experience a love I’ve only dreamed of,

But that I’ll be truly happy someday.