I Didn't Tell Him

What I didn't tell him 

was about the butterflies that fluttered

all the way to my toes and my fingertips

anytime we would breathe the same air.

I didn't tell him

about how I admired the peaceful and poetic way

his breath moved his chest when he slept

and how when he looked at me I could see the future.

What I didn't tell him 

was that I still think about him every day 

when I walk up the stairs,

or lay in a park, 

or drive, 

when my hands gently turn the steering wheel from underneath

just like how he told me not to, 

or how when I kiss someone else somehow I feel his lips on mine, 

how when I close my eyes I can imagine

the warmth he brings just by simply touching my skin.

What I didn't tell him 

was that I didn't forget the beautiful moments

and that I'm sorry for making him think that I did. 

I didn't tell him

that the feelings I have for him are

irreplaceable 

and don't quite know how to fade.

What I didn't tell him 

is that I can remember how

our bodies curved together to sleep in our small twin beds. 

I didn't tell him

that by memory I could trace my finger on a blank canvas

in the shape of his lips, or his nose,

or each eyelash that curled off his eyelid. 

I didn't tell him

that I remember how his skin feels

and how we would sink into each other. 

What I didn't tell him 

is how much I appreciate how he chuckles

when I tell him the most frustrating things about him,

or how we could laugh and be silly,

or how we could be open and cry. 

I didn't tell him

how safe he makes me feel

when he towers over me and devours me in a hug. 

What I didn't tell him 

is that the way I feel about him has no explanation.

He asked me, "Why are you okay with keeping me in your life?"

What I didn't tell him 

is that I don't know, 

but I think that's okay. 

Maybe the answer is only defined with something

bigger than words,

deeper and more eloquent than words. 

I didn't tell him

that hopefully he would feel the answer if he kissed me again. 

We have a connection that drips with honey —

a little bit of a mess but..

sweet, 

self-preserving. 

What I didn't tell him 

is that on nights like this 

when a chill lingers in the air

and every star is out in the sky 

all I can think about is how we shine together —

bright as hell.

The Smell of Winter

White.

A sea of white painted before me.

The ice froze into the bark on the trees.

Cars were buried under a thick hum of silence. 

The sound of a little boy laughing with his family.

An icicle as sharp as a dagger hanging just above my head.

Heavy. Glistening. Dripping, slowly.

My feet a whole foot deep.

I walked onto the balcony and saw the thickest snow I'll probably ever see.

A chill lingering in the still air raising goosebumps all over my body under my long t-shirt.

The sun reflecting off of every white surface into my sleepy eyes.

And I close them and I breathe.

*inhale* 

Ice makes it's way through my nose and melts every part of me.

I smell that chill in the air every day of every winter since then.

How is it that the smell of the cold still reminds me of walking up the icy steps

leading us to the room where we would wake up to that snow in the morning.

Shimmering. Quiet. Beautiful.

Standing on the balcony with your arms around me. 

Chuckling at my amazement of the wonderland in front of us. 

The smell of winter reminds me of us.

Back when our room used to be warmer than the outside. 

Back when we dragged ourselves out of bed after a night of singing dancing and vodka shots.

My favorite and most fun night with you.

Back when you took me to dinner at your old job where the lights twinkled in the white speckled tree. 

My nose was red and dripping and you still told me I looked beautiful.

Before we were 21 but you somehow got us drinks anyways. 

Having long conversations in a cozy empty restaurant after closing about what we meant to each other .

The smell of winter reminds me of how good we had it

And how we let go of something that probably could never work.

But the smell of the winter is the only thing that let's me remember the good about us.

The good in you.

When the inside of my nostrils burn with the dryness of the cold

I remember one of the best weekends of my life.

I inhale *inhale* and I see you.

Unsent

I forgive you.

I've never known how to let you go. 

I still don't. 

It's really hard and I'll never have any idea how to explain that to you. 

You were my everything for over 2 years. And anything I had to give, I gave that to you. 

My virginity, love, affection, attention, time, my soul. 

You had every single part of me. 

The hardest thing about losing you and my biggest struggle is believing that you took all those things from me. 

But I know that's not true. I unconditionally gave that to you. 

I just don't know how to grow those parts of me back or how to live without them. 

And that's really scary. 

Even though I said it, I don't think I loved you. 

And I know you didn't love me. 

So it sucks that when someone expresses that they genuinely care for me in a way you never could,

I still see you when I look in their eyes. 

I still compare them to you. 

I'm afraid I'll never know what real love feels like. Because of you.

Do you remember how many times you told me it would feel different. 

You were right. 

I did feel when you took the condom off without telling me.

And I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to yell at me for ruining the moment again and

leave me sitting there vulnerable and alone like you did before. 

I hate that I didn't say anything. I told you no and you did it anyway. 

But I still cant feel like a victim because you are a good person with a good heart. I think. 

And I'm afraid I'll never know what it feels like to have my body and my boundaries cherished and respected. 

But how can I hate you when I've seen you cry. 

Believe me I want the things you couldn't give me. 

But I search for you in other men's mouths and they just don't taste as good.

There is no twelve step program to learn how to live without you. 

You said you don't understand the hold you have on me, that it's not real. 

But there is no other way to explain it other than I have withdrawals when you aren't around. 

I wish it made sense that I want to hate you. 

And I wish I could tell you and explain to you why I can't get over it, 

why I still love you, 

why I blame you,

but I forgive you, 

and why for some reason, I'm the one that's sorry.

My Small Twin Bed

Sometimes I wonder how we both could fit in my small twin bed,

with your broad athletic body

and my overwhelming need for space.

We don't belong together. I know that,

but I often wonder when my arm and my leg hang off of my bed
why you can't be in there with me.

It's as if once you join me,
this bed becomes ten times its size and we are floating.

Sometimes I wonder how we both could fit in my small twin bed,

with your detached emotion

and my overwhelming need for space.

We have maintained miles between our hearts,
separated by lands and oceans.

We've built a bridge that never ends,

like chasing a rainbow
and never quite reaching the other side.

Sometimes I wonder how we both could fit in my small twin bed,

with your contradicting feelings

and my overwhelming need for space.

Our love is long gone
like a tumbleweed in the wind,

a drop of water in the ocean,

like tape that doesn't stick,
magnets that don't attract.

But with you all of this disappears.

My mind is bigger, my heart is bigger,

my bed is bigger with you in it.

It doesn't make sense but somehow
it only takes a small twin bed to bring us closer.

Despite your broad athletic body, detached emotion, contradicting feelings

and my overwhelming need for space,

we have never felt closer than in this bed.

Why Did I Stay?

Why did I stay?
It’s hard to say.
As much as I hurt and felt like I knew I would be better without him,
there was some part of me that said I would regret it if I left.
I always thought he didn't care enough to notice anything about me.
The one time he irritated me by saying,
“That would look better with shorts,”
I forgot about the times he was able to describe my outfit from the day before,
from my earrings all the way down to my shoes
and remind me I looked beautiful.
He could even describe the inside of my house,
and he remembered which room was what
and could recite to me at least one memory we had in each of those rooms.
He brought me flowers once.
A beautiful bouquet of flowers
and raspberry cheesecake ice cream.
We were close.
We were close the day we laid in his bed,
both in tears, opening our hearts to each other and talking about our fears and struggles in life.  
We were close.
He eventually took me on our first date.
And he kissed me… in public.
It was real. There was passion.
One time, him and I kissed so deeply, slow, and gentle,
as he leaned me against the side of his car with his hands through my hair.
My legs were around his hips, my heart was pounding, and my phone was ringing.
There were times when he made me feel so special.
Sometimes he would just stare at me, silent, with the slightest smile and longest gaze,
and I begged for him to say words.
“You’re beautiful.”

Why did I stay?
That's why.
Because no matter how much he hurt me,
I remembered how sweet and thoughtful he could be,
and how he could make me smile.
I liked what we had the potential to be.
We always found our way back to each other.
He always found his way back to me.  
My friends thought it was just for sex.
That was the only answer.
They were wrong.
Yes, he made me feel my best.
But even though he also made me feel my worst
I thought there was no way I could find something better.
Like maybe I didn’t deserve anything better.

Why did I stay?
I wanted him to love me.
He felt at least a little of what I felt,
he just showed it in a very different way.
I wanted to be the girl he saw when he looked into my eyes.
But I couldn't be what he wanted
and he couldn't be what I wanted.
He was right… I was not the one for him.
Potential magic led to a flood of mistakes on both sides,
but we will forever share something deep that will not be forgotten.
Last time he saw me
he reminded me I'm irresistible.
Put his girlfriend out of his mind and kissed me.
Whenever he wanted to explore me I always gave him the map and
this time was no different.
But when I was driving home, I felt more empty inside than I ever did.
After this I was done.
It took me too many years of trying so hard to trust someone that I shouldn't
and justifying both of our behavior.
We were toxic.
I hope I deserve something better than that.

But now… I think I am free.
It is finally over,
I am trying to be happy
And my broken heart is struggling to beat again.