I Hope He Reads This...

I hope you understand why I had to do this. 

It absolutely kills me. 

Realistically, I know you never will understand but I so badly want to be able to explain it to you. 

I’ve spent so long really believing that I deserve what you did to me. 

That I wasn’t worth more than what you gave me. 

That I can’t handle better. 

I still believe that. 

And whether you understand it or not, it’s something I am tired of feeling. 

I don’t know if blocking you and cutting you out will make me stop feeling this way but I had to try something new. 

Most days I really don’t even have hope that this is going to work. 

I’ll never know in what ways exactly but I know I meant something to you. 

You cared about me. 

You have love for me. 

I know you do. 

And I hate that I have to lose that. 

I am positive that someday in the future we will find our way back to each other again. 

And it will be better. 

I will be better. 

You will be better. 

And I can’t wait for that. 

But for now I just have to keep thinking of you as someone I want to talk to but I can’t. 

For my sanity, I just can’t. 

I am being tortured with the fact I can just unblock you at any time. 

I am struggling to not give in to that insane temptation. 

I think the only thing I am holding on to is that someday in the future I will get to meet a better you. 

A you that understands. 

A you that regrets it. 

A you that knows what you are apologizing for. 

And you will meet a strong, valuable, and resilient me. 

In the meantime I threw away your pictures, deleted our texts. 

The only thing I am keeping is your old t-shirt. 

I’m only keeping it because it is comfortable as heck. 

It’s the one thing of yours I was able to take from you without you knowing. 

The scent of your cologne was left in the wash.

Just like my light was left in you and doesn’t belong to me anymore. 
I am just waiting to be strong enough to change the bulb.