Unsent

I forgive you.

I've never known how to let you go. 

I still don't. 

It's really hard and I'll never have any idea how to explain that to you. 

You were my everything for over 2 years. And anything I had to give, I gave that to you. 

My virginity, love, affection, attention, time, my soul. 

You had every single part of me. 

The hardest thing about losing you and my biggest struggle is believing that you took all those things from me. 

But I know that's not true. I unconditionally gave that to you. 

I just don't know how to grow those parts of me back or how to live without them. 

And that's really scary. 

Even though I said it, I don't think I loved you. 

And I know you didn't love me. 

So it sucks that when someone expresses that they genuinely care for me in a way you never could,

I still see you when I look in their eyes. 

I still compare them to you. 

I'm afraid I'll never know what real love feels like. Because of you.

Do you remember how many times you told me it would feel different. 

You were right. 

I did feel when you took the condom off without telling me.

And I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to yell at me for ruining the moment again and

leave me sitting there vulnerable and alone like you did before. 

I hate that I didn't say anything. I told you no and you did it anyway. 

But I still cant feel like a victim because you are a good person with a good heart. I think. 

And I'm afraid I'll never know what it feels like to have my body and my boundaries cherished and respected. 

But how can I hate you when I've seen you cry. 

Believe me I want the things you couldn't give me. 

But I search for you in other men's mouths and they just don't taste as good.

There is no twelve step program to learn how to live without you. 

You said you don't understand the hold you have on me, that it's not real. 

But there is no other way to explain it other than I have withdrawals when you aren't around. 

I wish it made sense that I want to hate you. 

And I wish I could tell you and explain to you why I can't get over it, 

why I still love you, 

why I blame you,

but I forgive you, 

and why for some reason, I'm the one that's sorry.

My Small Twin Bed

Sometimes I wonder how we both could fit in my small twin bed,

with your broad athletic body

and my overwhelming need for space.

We don't belong together. I know that,

but I often wonder when my arm and my leg hang off of my bed
why you can't be in there with me.

It's as if once you join me,
this bed becomes ten times its size and we are floating.

Sometimes I wonder how we both could fit in my small twin bed,

with your detached emotion

and my overwhelming need for space.

We have maintained miles between our hearts,
separated by lands and oceans.

We've built a bridge that never ends,

like chasing a rainbow
and never quite reaching the other side.

Sometimes I wonder how we both could fit in my small twin bed,

with your contradicting feelings

and my overwhelming need for space.

Our love is long gone
like a tumbleweed in the wind,

a drop of water in the ocean,

like tape that doesn't stick,
magnets that don't attract.

But with you all of this disappears.

My mind is bigger, my heart is bigger,

my bed is bigger with you in it.

It doesn't make sense but somehow
it only takes a small twin bed to bring us closer.

Despite your broad athletic body, detached emotion, contradicting feelings

and my overwhelming need for space,

we have never felt closer than in this bed.