I miss the future

14 days….
He said, “I'm excited for our future together.”
14 days before he broke my heart.

Two days before that he sent me photos of an apartment he said he could see us in together.
I saw it too.
I was already filling the walls with photos of us and all the places we’d travel to.
I saw all the dinners we’d share in the big white kitchen.
a cozy bedroom… where I can imagine we’d spend most of our time…
Being close, finding new ways to love each other — 
and of course the Mario Kart battles.

Five days before that
He said, “I want to be someone you could see yourself marrying.”
And,
“We are just getting started.”

If I knew the end was just 21 days away… I would’ve kept him on my lips a little longer.

194 days after he broke my heart 
I asked him if he really meant all the things he said about a future with me…
He said, “I don't remember.”

But how could that loving future we were building … or his desire to grow with me… just fade from his memory?

How does someone just …. forget?

I wonder how many days he knew,
Or how many hours he tried to plan what to say,
or what bullshit excuse to give me.

1,015 days after he broke my heart
I haven't forgotten
1,015 days and I still miss that future.
But now it’s just a black and white photo hanging on the wall of that home…
Just a memory.  

missing

the worst part about it is

I fell in love with you that night 

I fell in love with someone that didn’t want me anymore

— that couldn’t love me back

I had to watch you walk away the next morning 

with no hesitation 

you didn’t look back once

I had to stand there and watch

heart cracking

as you walked out of my life

100% 50% 10%

I wanted you all of you

and I let myself be naked with you

in every sense of the word 

I’ve never let my guard down for someone like that

I didn’t know I could love someone like that

and I know it sounds cheesy

when you try to explain your feelings for someone

but you wanna know how I know I loved you?

it’s because it feels like a piece of me is missing 

I search for you in everyone I’m with

and I can’t find you

I told you I would love you as best as I could

I don’t think you were prepared for that

the only difference between you and me is that

everything I told you

I was ready to follow through

and I wish I could’ve had the chance

to show up for you in the way than I intended 

until then your DNA is intertwined with mine

100% 50% 10% 

I will always have a part of you