Monday, September 28, 2015

When I'm Gone (2013-07-18)

When I'm gone
I want you to
remember me as happy.
I want your only image of me to be smiling. I want all the good times and the great times to be
repeating in your head
as opposed to the tears and sadness.
Please keep all those simple, satisfying times in mind.

Remember me as the one who was there for you,
and listened to you, and craved to hear you.
I didn't bail on you like others might have and I didn't want to.
Listen to my voice tell you how amazing you really are.
I don't want my words "I'm sorry" to be what's
tattooed on your skull as often as I said it. Think about the letters I wrote you where I
poured my soul out to you and told you
I was blessed by God himself to have met someone
as extraordinary as you.

Remember me as the kooky kid
who made faces and acted strange so comfortably around you.
I was quite the character wasn't I?
Forget that awkward body language debating on whether not I should hug you,
or speak to you for that matter.

Remember me as real.
As someone who made mistakes
and who was human.
Someone who had real thoughts, real desires, real morals, real vulnerability...
a real heart.

Remember me as gentle.
The caring person I was brought up to be.
I was sweet-spoken and soft.
I would hug you sometimes just to remind you that there is someone on this earth who will always be there to hug you
and do it gladly.
And both of my shoulders will always be yours to cry on.

Remember me as a human that was hurting.
That had lost all I have ever wanted or could have ever asked for.
Keeping my eyes closed to dream of you made me a bit blind...
and I think you would agree.

Remember me as the adventurous type
you seldomly saw me as.
The type to take risks,
the girl who would do anything with you.
The type to look a fool if it meant you never leaving my side
like you pinky promised.

Remember me as the best possible,
the best person I showed you.
The good person.
The real me that I showed you
and only you.

Remember me as the beautiful girl
you made me believe I am.
Not the ugly girl trying to claw her way out.

And most of all,
instead of the girl who hurt you,
remember me as the girl who loved -
mostly you.

My Other Half

I made a new friend today. When I looked in her eyes I could tell she was looking in mine and somehow I knew she saw me. All of me. It’s impossible to explain. Every struggle I’ve faced, she seemed to relate to. My biggest weaknesses, the things that made me cry made her cry too; I felt her tears like they were my own and she felt mine. She didn’t try and pretend that she was always strong, I could see it. She was weak sometimes and she accepted that. They say that no one is perfect and I know that neither of us is. I told her all that I dreamed about and my goals and my passions. I wanted to eat, write and travel. I wanted to love. Her aspirations were mutual. When I poured out my feelings, she held on tightly to every word. She was the one I went to when my parents split up. I’ve never desired anyone’s shoulder more. The first time I fell in love, she saw my sheer vulnerability. When I smiled at her and told her about the boy I gave my heart to, she was so happy she got to be the one to listen to my blushing rants. When I got my heart broken, she gladly comforted me without hesitation. Sometimes we didn’t even need to talk. We could just look at each other and connect. The tears and smiles said it all. We read each other’s mind. We were connected. Never did she make my struggles feel unimportant or try to tell me I was wrong for saying or doing what I did. She made me feel like I mattered and I trusted her. She was the only one I could trust. No one had ever understood me or related to me more. I would explain to her how I felt so alone and she promised she would never leave my side… I hope she meant that. Because of her, I’ve never felt more cherished. She is truly the best friend I’ve ever had! I wanted to hold her to show her my appreciation. To show how incredibly grateful I am to have her in my life. I wanted to show her that I needed her. I knew that if I tried to hug her, she would gladly accept it. And when I reached out my hand to pull my best friend closer and embrace her, my hand left smudge marks on the mirror.