Late Night Thoughts Pt. 1

What if my purpose here is to give —
all of me,
to others, 
to the earth?
What if I’m here to give and not take?
What happens when I have no more to give?
When all of the energy I harness has been soaked into the world around me and I have no more to give. 
Who decides when I’ve given enough?
Can I ever? 
Taking doesn’t satisfy me so.
So when I’ve given all I have the will to, 
do I live on, fulfilled but empty?
Or do I give my life, my breath and my substance to the soil?
Will that even be enough? 
Will I ever be enough?

Storm Warning

this year has proven to test me in many ways:

dealing with a disruption,

challenging my ideas of self worth,

facing loneliness,

dealing with my drowning anxiety,

and just when I thought that was all starting to quiet down and

I got past the disruption,

gained a new self worth,

embraced my loneliness

and calmed my anxiety,

the storm hit and tore me back down in just one day.

I am struggling to find balance between 

the desire to not be rude 

and my overwhelming need for space.

a flash flood tore through my safe space today

I am flooded with stress,

uneasiness in my own home,

fear for the future

and an inability to breathe without a distraction.

I desperately want to escape this home that we built in the last 3 years.

I want to run

but a global pandemic is keeping me stifled inside.

please let me leave!

this is a test —

to prove to myself that all I have gained in the last 4 months

is worth keeping and practicing

and I am so worried I can’t do it.

I do not want to break down again.

I wish this feeling of drowning just stopped existing;

I have never been a strong swimmer

and I am afraid it will beat me...

one night tragically unraveled me —

I am disrupted again,

my self worth is diminishing,

I’m afraid to be alone

and I am drowning in an anxiety

that I am terrified won’t ever let me surface.

I Hope He Reads This...

I hope you understand why I had to do this. 

It absolutely kills me. 

Realistically, I know you never will understand but I so badly want to be able to explain it to you. 

I’ve spent so long really believing that I deserve what you did to me. 

That I wasn’t worth more than what you gave me. 

That I can’t handle better. 

I still believe that. 

And whether you understand it or not, it’s something I am tired of feeling. 

I don’t know if blocking you and cutting you out will make me stop feeling this way but I had to try something new. 

Most days I really don’t even have hope that this is going to work. 

I’ll never know in what ways exactly but I know I meant something to you. 

You cared about me. 

You have love for me. 

I know you do. 

And I hate that I have to lose that. 

I am positive that someday in the future we will find our way back to each other again. 

And it will be better. 

I will be better. 

You will be better. 

And I can’t wait for that. 

But for now I just have to keep thinking of you as someone I want to talk to but I can’t. 

For my sanity, I just can’t. 

I am being tortured with the fact I can just unblock you at any time. 

I am struggling to not give in to that insane temptation. 

I think the only thing I am holding on to is that someday in the future I will get to meet a better you. 

A you that understands. 

A you that regrets it. 

A you that knows what you are apologizing for. 

And you will meet a strong, valuable, and resilient me. 

In the meantime I threw away your pictures, deleted our texts. 

The only thing I am keeping is your old t-shirt. 

I’m only keeping it because it is comfortable as heck. 

It’s the one thing of yours I was able to take from you without you knowing. 

The scent of your cologne was left in the wash.

Just like my light was left in you and doesn’t belong to me anymore. 
I am just waiting to be strong enough to change the bulb.