this year has proven to test me in many ways:
dealing with a disruption,
challenging my ideas of self worth,
facing loneliness,
dealing with my drowning anxiety,
and just when I thought that was all starting to quiet down and
I got past the disruption,
gained a new self worth,
embraced my loneliness
and calmed my anxiety,
the storm hit and tore me back down in just one day.
I am struggling to find balance between
the desire to not be rude
and my overwhelming need for space.
a flash flood tore through my safe space today
I am flooded with stress,
uneasiness in my own home,
fear for the future
and an inability to breathe without a distraction.
I desperately want to escape this home that we built in the last 3 years.
I want to run
but a global pandemic is keeping me stifled inside.
please let me leave!
this is a test —
to prove to myself that all I have gained in the last 4 months
is worth keeping and practicing
and I am so worried I can’t do it.
I do not want to break down again.
I wish this feeling of drowning just stopped existing;
I have never been a strong swimmer
and I am afraid it will beat me...
one night tragically unraveled me —
I am disrupted again,
my self worth is diminishing,
I’m afraid to be alone
and I am drowning in an anxiety
that I am terrified won’t ever let me surface.
