Ex

 “She holds grudges”

“She doesn’t let things go” 

Yea, maybe he’s right.

Watching all the trust I had get ripped away in a second really did a number on me.

He’s right.

Watching someone mishandle everything I had the energy to give is definitely difficult to forget.

I mean, it took me about four years to try to let him go.

And I didn’t even think I could do it.

But I did it, right?

I’m stronger than he thought, right?

I deserve better than he gave me, right? 

I hope he knows that I will never let that go,

But I can let him go.

I hope one day he realizes how much he destroyed me,

How much therapy I’ve had to do,

How it still affects me.

I deserve better, right?

Goodbye

 You told me to trust you,

and I did.

Now it’s ending with me

hurt and confused.

Just as quickly as you came, you were gone.

You told me you were falling for me.

You told me that I was worth it,

that I was enough.

You told me to believe you — 

and I believed you. 

If you are trying to protect yourself from the hurt,

then please help protect me too,

because it's killing me right now.

It's the most physical sadness I've ever felt

from my throat,

to my stomach,

to my fingertips —

I'm breaking.

I know I've lost you, 

But I don't want this to end with these feelings.

I know I won’t get you back.

I won’t be able to prove to you that the distance is something we can work through —

I know it can’t for you. 

But I still want a proper goodbye.

Something beautiful, meaningful.

I hope that you think that we deserve that too. 

I hope you don't think that this is where it deserves to end.

I hope you thought more of us.

But, if this is the goodbye that I get...

then I wish you nothing but all the good things that life has to offer.

I wish you wealth.

I wish you success.

I wish you genuine happiness.

The type of happiness you would give up everything for.

I wish you the type of love that you would do anything for.

And…

I’ll miss you

Late Night Thoughts Pt. 4

I think I finally understand the value I bring to relationships. 

If I have committed myself to you,

I will give you unwavering attention and devotion.

I will be loyal, kind and understanding.

I will listen to you, support you and build you up.

I will be physical and passionate.

I will give you everything I have.

I recognize that maybe not everyone I cross paths with is ready for that.

Maybe they are not ready to have something in their life that is that valuable.

Or maybe the things that I value, simply are not the things that they value.

I am learning to accept that. 

I just must never forget the worth of my contribution to this world.