Warning Light

 I think of you every time I fill up my gas tank.

You used to tease me for letting it get so low—

"you're crazy," you’d say, 

half-amused, half-worried.

   

Now the warning light stays on longer than your replies.

I still let it run low sometimes,

let it dip past empty,

let the light flicker on and stay there,

just to feel something close to your voice again.

Because you’re not here to notice anymore.

Not in the way you used to be.

You’re three time zones and a thousand silences away.

I still scroll up sometimes—

read the old threads,

like gas station receipts I never threw away.

Back when you’d write just to say

you were thinking of me.

Back when your care showed up

like clockwork, like kindness

I didn’t have to earn.

We don’t talk much anymore.

The replies come slow,

small and tired, if at all,

like you’re drifting

somewhere too far to reach.

Now, I fill up alone,

watch the numbers climb,

the pump clicking to a stop.

My tank is full.

but I feel empty.

Undressed

 I didn’t know sex

could feel like anything other than

fear, loneliness, or regret.

I thought trembling was part of the ritual—

not from wanting,

but from wondering if I’d be wanted

when it was over.

I thought closing my eyes

was a form of escape,

not reverence.

That silence after

wasn’t peace —

it was inventory.

What did I give?

What did they take?

What part of me disappeared this time?

I left pieces of myself

on strangers’ hands

and called it connection.

I didn’t know

I could feel present in a moment

and still want more of it.

That being touched

didn’t have to mean being used.

That I could stay.

And then — you.

Your touch felt more like

“I want to get to know you,”

and less like

“I want to win.”

You made space for play.

You let me be 

soft and strange,

messy and sacred,

silly and holy —

all at once.

With you, I learned

that intimacy doesn’t begin at the body.

It begins in the safety

of being seen

and still wanted.

With you, I didn’t feel smaller.

I felt returned to.

Like each time you saw me,

you handed a piece back —

a laugh, a truth,

a version of me I forgot how to trust.

Like maybe I was never broken,

just waiting for someone

who didn’t flinch

at the full weight of my tenderness.

And now,

I don’t leave myself

when I undress.

I arrive.

The Heat of Blooming

Your fingers are the wind,
brushing across my skin.
Every touch makes me tremble,
and I respond,
like a flower leaning toward you in the breeze,
unfolding without hesitation.
A bloom wanting more than it can hold.

Your hands are the rain,
each drop feels like an invitation,
that draws me open.

Your mouth is the sun,
burning through me—
a heat that consumes,
but leaves me hungry for more.
Every kiss lights a fire.
My body responds to your intensity,
every inch of me reacts to your
fingers, lips, the weight of your presence.
I let you dive deep
into the soil of my desire—
digging, searching,
until I shudder beneath you.
You take a bite out of my ripest fruit,
And I watch as the juice drips from the corners of your smile. 

You’re the spark,
the lightning pulsing through me—
a wave of electricity through each of my delicate petals.
You pull me closer,
overwhelming my senses,
until I break open,
shattering the calm,
unleashing something I didn’t know I could give,
trembling,
uncontrollable,
until the thunder crashes,
and I’m lost in it—
a wild, unrestrained force
that only you could summon.
And boy, were you up for the challenge.

When the night falls,
we’re nothing but desire—
a force moving together,
each touch, each glance,
another moment of exploration,
another layer of me peeled back.

I am a garden,
the raw, aching bloom,
untamed, hungry,
waiting for you to take more.
And in the quiet of the night,
when we finally collapse,
we are fire,
and I burn for you,
until there’s nothing left
but the echo of what I crave.

I miss the future

14 days….
He said, “I'm excited for our future together.”
14 days before he broke my heart.

Two days before that he sent me photos of an apartment he said he could see us in together.
I saw it too.
I was already filling the walls with photos of us and all the places we’d travel to.
I saw all the dinners we’d share in the big white kitchen.
a cozy bedroom… where I can imagine we’d spend most of our time…
Being close, finding new ways to love each other — 
and of course the Mario Kart battles.

Five days before that
He said, “I want to be someone you could see yourself marrying.”
And,
“We are just getting started.”

If I knew the end was just 21 days away… I would’ve kept him on my lips a little longer.

194 days after he broke my heart 
I asked him if he really meant all the things he said about a future with me…
He said, “I don't remember.”

But how could that loving future we were building … or his desire to grow with me… just fade from his memory?

How does someone just …. forget?

I wonder how many days he knew,
Or how many hours he tried to plan what to say,
or what bullshit excuse to give me.

1,015 days after he broke my heart
I haven't forgotten
1,015 days and I still miss that future.
But now it’s just a black and white photo hanging on the wall of that home…
Just a memory.  

missing

the worst part about it is

I fell in love with you that night 

I fell in love with someone that didn’t want me anymore

— that couldn’t love me back

I had to watch you walk away the next morning 

with no hesitation 

you didn’t look back once

I had to stand there and watch

heart cracking

as you walked out of my life

100% 50% 10%

I wanted you all of you

and I let myself be naked with you

in every sense of the word 

I’ve never let my guard down for someone like that

I didn’t know I could love someone like that

and I know it sounds cheesy

when you try to explain your feelings for someone

but you wanna know how I know I loved you?

it’s because it feels like a piece of me is missing 

I search for you in everyone I’m with

and I can’t find you

I told you I would love you as best as I could

I don’t think you were prepared for that

the only difference between you and me is that

everything I told you

I was ready to follow through

and I wish I could’ve had the chance

to show up for you in the way than I intended 

until then your DNA is intertwined with mine

100% 50% 10% 

I will always have a part of you 

Linger

I want to be friends with you

I just can’t right now 

because I see your features in everyone I meet 

but no one’s lips seem to curl quite like yours do

I miss that

I miss you

waiting...

I don’t know if I loved you more
I think I just loved you deeper
I felt you in my bones
And I was gutted when you left 

You hoped it didn’t scare me 

how much you liked me

How much you wanted me

And honestly it did at first

I was worried I wasn’t ready 

Or able

To give you the love you said you wanted 

And I picked you over my fears

I know you don’t but

I remember our talks of the future

I didn’t close my eyes and see you

I saw us

It hurts me to see how we were

Living in different realities

Was I a product of your impulsivity 

A taste of your desires

Our glasses were different

Rose colored vs black and white

I saw resilience

You saw an ending

I am fading from your memory

Just as quickly as we built our foundation

And I am reliving moments 

As they were yesterday

But you say you feel safe with me

Hold on to that feeling

Let me comfort, challenge, celebrate you

I can see your heart

I made you promises 

I intend to keep 

I accept this emptiness over

Never seeing your light

For now I must figure out

How to rebuild from heart break

While you still hold

Everything I had inside me to give 

We could fall apart 

Just as easily as we could blossom

I’m ready to work

I’m just waiting for you 

WANT vs. NEED

I wanted you
And that future we talked about.
I wanted to grow with you
And learn about life with you.
I wanted to learn about every one of your flaws 
Just so I could show you I’d love you in spite of them. 
I wanted to open myself up to you,
Tell you things I was scared to tell you.
But that vulnerability just made me fall more in love with you,
Because it didn’t scare you away in the process.
I wanted you to want me as deeply as I wanted you.
I wanted everything you said to me about how you felt about me to be true.
Maybe that was all too much to ask for 
From a boy that was so unsure of himself.
Maybe I’ll never know why you left,
Why you didn’t fight for someone you saw a future with.
You told me you hoped it didn’t scare me how much you liked me,
You told me you were falling for me too,
You reassured me and made me feel safe.
I wasn’t prepared for this.
That future was ripped away from me.
I’m healing by myself,
Learning and growing by myself,
Trying to love myself in spite of my own flaws,
And coping with intense anxiety.
I wanted you.
But maybe this is what I needed.

Ex

“She holds grudges”

“She doesn’t let things go” 

Yea, maybe he’s right.

Watching all the trust I had get ripped away in a second really did a number on me.

He’s right.

Watching someone mishandle everything I had the energy to give is definitely difficult to forget.

I mean, it took me about four years to try to let him go.

And I didn’t even think I could do it.

But I did it, right?

I’m stronger than he thought, right?

I deserve better than he gave me, right? 

I hope he knows that I will never let that go,

But I can let him go.

I hope one day he realizes how much he destroyed me,

How much therapy I’ve had to do,

How it still affects me.

I deserve better, right?

Goodbye

 You told me to trust you,

and I did.

Now it’s ending with me

hurt and confused.

Just as quickly as you came, you were gone.

You told me you were falling for me.

You told me that I was worth it,

that I was enough.

You told me to believe you — 

and I believed you. 

If you are trying to protect yourself from the hurt,

then please help protect me too,

because it's killing me right now.

It's the most physical sadness I've ever felt

from my throat,

to my stomach,

to my fingertips —

I'm breaking.

I know I've lost you, 

But I don't want this to end with these feelings.

I know I won’t get you back.

I won’t be able to prove to you that the distance is something we can work through —

I know it can’t for you. 

But I still want a proper goodbye.

Something beautiful, meaningful.

I hope that you think that we deserve that too. 

I hope you don't think that this is where it deserves to end.

I hope you thought more of us.

But, if this is the goodbye that I get...

then I wish you nothing but all the good things that life has to offer.

I wish you wealth.

I wish you success.

I wish you genuine happiness.

The type of happiness you would give up everything for.

I wish you the type of love that you would do anything for.

And…

I’ll miss you